Choices
by Mrs.Scarlettbutler
Summary: This is a story about Neo coming to terms with his path and his role and how he was able to make the choice, knowing he probably wouldn’t come back to Trinity. Disclaimer: I don't own anything that has to do with The Matrix.


Choices

Neo watched her, so beautiful in sleep, her face soft and relaxed. Gone were the worried expression, she tried so hard to hide from him and gone was the blank expression, she hide behind when they entered the Matrix. Here in the cabin they shared, she could afford to let her guard down. It filled him with profoundness, that she opened up completely to him, and never was afraid to show her vulnerability and strength in front of him.

It was a rare mixture. Vulnerability and strength.

Watching how the corner of her mouth turned up in a little smile, made him feel warm inside and wonder what she was dreaming of.

God, she was beautiful. The very source of his life.

Bending down he placed a soft, tender kiss next to her slightly upturned mouth, he loved to watch her sleep, it always made him felt at peace . The warmth inside of him filled his body, spreading to every fibre of him. She always did that to him and he would cherish it forever, not matter what happened.

Trinity. His Trinity. His life.

Like she could read his thoughts, she stirred slightly, and with a sigh full of contentment squashing her body closer to his, seeking out his body heat, and the security of his arms. Smiling down at her, he obeyed and laid down again, taking her into his arms. He couldn't refuse her, the truth was, he needed the closeness as much as she did.

Without hesitation, her head found the familiar spot on his chest, very close to his heart. "Neo" she breathed, snuggling even closer. Being this close, made it impossible for him to tell, where her body ended and his started, they were like one being.

Neo and Trinity.

For a while he dwelled in the long sought peace she willingly gave him, it was her gift to him, always, when she was near he felt peaceful. It never failed when they were alone in their room, skin against skin, and like now, when he could feel the steadiness of her heartbeat. The body heat transported from her body into his, and her sweet, special scent covering him. With a grin, he realised that he could still detect his own scent on her from their lovemaking. The realisation sent raw, male pride into his body, leaving him in awe. He was the one holding Trinity in privacy, the one melting together with her in the nights in sweet and passionate lovemaking. Why, she had chosen him was beyond him, but never dared he questioning why, afraid of the possibility, that she would take it back. He let the thought slip his mind, it was just his fear of loosing her that created that thought, he knew her better that that. Trinity would never take her love back, the commitment between them was too powerful for that.

He wished he knew what he was supposed to do, whished he knew the path he was supposed to walk, how could he choose, when he understood so little of his own role. He wished he didn't believe his nightmare hadn't the potential of becoming true. His body stiffen and his breathing became harder and painful.

He tried to focus on feeling her heart beating, they lay in their favourite position chest against chest. This position enabled the beating of their hearts to melt together in perfect synchronism and harmony. By holding his hand above her heart, on her delicate, slender back, he could feel the small drumming of her heart, and how the strong rhythm was sending the pulse of love into every cell of his being.

He could never let go. Never wanted to let go.

But the nightmares wouldn't let him go, they awoke him most nights and tonight was no different, it was why he was awake watching her, now.

With one hand he tried to brush the pictures away from behind his eyes, the movements of his hand became brisker, but failed its purpose, he still saw them. Saw her flying through the air; saw the bullet, in slow motion, penetrating her body. Saw the defeated look on her face when she felt the pain. Saw the terror in her eyes. And felt the terror ten times in his heart, felt how his heart broke into a million tint pieces, and shattered around the floor in a perfect unmade puzzle.

A puzzle he would never be able to remake. Not that he ever would want to if it didn't have her in it.

It took all his will power to lay still, not to bolt up and leave the room and run from the hunting pictures, but he couldn't leave her. Not now. Not when they had so little time left together. He had understood time might be an issue for them, like it was for all warriors.

He couldn't loose her. He just couldn't.

He was beginning to understand what ending the war would demand of him. A part of him wanted to understand, the other, and stronger part, didn't. What he sensed about the choice, the close future would demand he made, scared the shit out of him.

They were linked together. Trinity and he, so much he knew. He wouldn't be the one if not for her. His Trinity.

Trinity. She was her name, at least to him. Briefly, he wondered, how she had found her name, smiling he concluded it wasn't odd at all. She was her name.

He wouldn't loose her. No matter what, he wouldn't. How could he breath, if it wasn't her scent he breathed in, how could he survive?

Finally, sleep claimed him without the hunting nightmares.

Now sitting on the bed in the cabin, he shared with Trinity, on board The Hammer, Neo remembered that night not so long ago. Remembered the fear of loosing Trinity, the fear he still felt. But he also remembered the peace, she, in her sleep, had passed onto him. Still, he felt eternal grateful for the peace and the love she never denied him.

That night he hadn't known what he knew now, but he had known enough, to swear he would never let go of her, not as long as he had breath in his body. He had never voiced that commitment to Trinity, he had just held her closer to him, when the lay in bed at night, given her all of him when they made love, and never letting her out of his sight, when it could be avoided. Trinity had searched his eyes for an answer to the changes in him, but never once questioned him about it, she, just as eagerly, had intensified her gestures of love for him.

His heart skipped a beat and the inside of his hands got sticky from cold sweat, when, he also remembered that he actually had lost her. If just for a brief moment, he, never the less, had lost her. Just as he had seen in his dream, a bullet had hit her when she had thrown herself out from a window. She had been flying through the air with terror in her beautiful crystal blue eyes.

He had felt her. Felt her despair… and how her thoughts had been on him in that moment, when realisation had stuck her, when she had felt the first sharp pain from the bullet penetration her skin. She had felt no regret for herself, only for the brief time they had been granted together, and for leaving him alone. Her only selfish thought had been, that she wanted more time with him, and that had made her cursing herself for her inability to avoid the bullet.

He had felt it all, when he had been flying through the air on his way to her, this, and the pain in his heart, had driven him to do the almost impossible, flying faster than, even he had imagined possible. His mouth had been dry from fear, his lungs had screamed for the air, he was holding in attempt not to waste any time with breathing, and his mind had frozen a picture of her beautiful face on his retina. It had been one of his favourites, the way she looked when they made love. That picture and memory had helped him navigating to Trinity, it had assured, that he had caught her before she hit the ground.

It had almost broken him when she had apologized to him, her only intention had been to rescue him, and, now, she apologized for that utterly unselfish love she had for him. It had taken all his willpower to stay calm, not to let his hand trembles in terror, when he had reached out to heal her.

This time he had been able to not let go. Trinity had come back to him.

From then on he had refused to be apart from her, refused any space between them when they slept, as always, she had understood and shared his feelings. They had become the shadow of the other.

In bittersweet irony he twisted his mouth in what should sample a smile, he had thought he had understood. What stupidity. He had understood only an edge of the choice, he would be forced to make. He had sensed it had been about choosing Trinity or his path, but was that correct?

He was still confused and still, he didn't understood.

His commitment to her was as strong as ever, his love for her stronger and more heartfelt than ever. He wouldn't let go…

His path was to rescue Zion. The sacrifice needed was he, and almost certain his life. The Oracle had told him "one of you must die" but the words had just been words until now. Now, he felt the meaning behind the words in every bone of his body. He wasn't scared of dying, but of loosing Trinity and what they had together, he just couldn't let go. He feared ending the war would demand more than one life, Trinity's, his own… and hopefully Smith's. Now, he doubted the oracle was right, that only one of them must die.

Morpheus had told him something once; he couldn't remember the exact words but it was something similar to; "knowing the path doesn't make it easier to walking the path." Neo agreed. Now, he understood.

Walking the path was more then understanding it, it was about making choices and not shying back, when they became difficult to fulfil.

Finally it became clear and he understood what he had to do, knew what was expected of him, saw the task he had been created for. But the understanding didn't make it easier to make the choice to follow his path to the very end, without straying away due to the sacrifice it would require from him.

A selfish part of him wanted to refuse his path, all of his being wanted to cling onto Trinity, wanted to run away with her from this responsibility. He wanted a life with her, didn't he deserve that?

It was a choice between his ego and his heart. If he gave into his ego, he would be no better than Smith; he would become his own opposite side. Deep down within him, Neo knew his heart would never allow him to make that choice, he just felt sorry for himself, and for what he would be loosing.

Besides, there would be no escaping for them, there was nowhere to run, nowhere to feel safe. Another thing was, that he felt each person in Zion, felt his or her fear of dying. The choice had been made before he understood it.

He couldn't travel the path of ego; it wasn't a part of him, only a thought, and, maybe, a longing but not an option.

He should be grateful, for the briefest of time, he had known more love, than a person experienced through a whole life. He had shared it with Trinity. Her love was lightning his way better than the shiniest star, it warmed him better than the biggest fire, and it provided him with the strength to go on.

The choice had been made.

He would sacrifice. He just prayed, he would keep Trinity away from any harm, prayed that she wouldn't be devastated, prayed that fate wouldn't demand all of her, as it would from him. But believing in that would be a lie, it would demand all of her as well, it couldn't be otherwise, when their destinies were linked together. It would be denial, if he thought she wouldn't be harmed or devastated from their sacrifices. But the choices had been made and he felt the strength it gave him to have made his consciously.

He was ready. Ready to tell them. And her…

Back in the room he felt separated from his body, he was ready and focused but lacked any feelings but fear. What he had dreaded most had happen, she would come with him, he had seen the choice it in her face, before she even knew, she had made it. He knew her too well.

Choices. There was no way of escaping them.

He loved her and would cherish every second they had together, and it was not, that he didn't want her along, he did, very much. It was just that he was painfully aware of the fact, that he couldn't protect her on this mission. This mission would take all of him, and leave nothing back to rescue the one single person, who was his heart. It wasn't without irony, that he could save a world but his beloved one.

Fate would seem to be cruel, or maybe it was the dualism of life. Fate had given him what he loved most and now, it might take what he loved most. He just hoped he would understand the meaning behind it, if it happened.

He was ready, as ready as he could be.

Walking the path wasn't easy but was it ever?

He saw her the moment, he stepped into the small cabin where she awaited him. She was breathtakingly beautiful. Her eyes were full of love, fright and determination. Like always, she would do whatever, it would take to light his way, wouldn't take no for an answer, this was how grand her love for him was. She didn't have to come with him, but staying behind hadn't crossed her mind once. She was so strong and believed so much in him, that it humbled him, always had.

Trinity was his big inspiration in life, his mentor, and her believing in him had taught him to believe and have faith. Never once, had she tumbled in her faith in him, never once strayed away from him or her love for him. How could he not be humble? He was just an ordinary guy; it was her love that made him special. He had only becoming the one, when she had breathed life into him.

He stepped closer to her, slowly, he reached one hand out and cupped her chin in it, and he lost himself in the bright blue sea of her eyes.

"I will never let go Trin. Never! I will always hold on to you. When I was a boy in the Matrix, I was told that the first people, the Indians, believe that the life on earth is the red path and the after life is the blue path. When a life is ended on the red path, it continues on the blue path. I will wait for you there Trin, on the blue path."

"I will never letting go, Neo" Her stare was intense and without any doubt, it was a statement. A commitment.

Perhaps it wasn't about choosing Trinity or his path, it was about accepting his path, and Trinity was a part of his path and always would be. They would walk this path together.

Now he understood what he was supposed to do and that he wasn't supposed to do it alone. Now, he was truly ready…Now that she was beside him. Trinity.

The end


End file.
